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I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
It should really be called teethpaste.