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I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?