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Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"