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If only life was as easy as getting fat.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.