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Married sext: Iām not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal