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Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.