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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
Carfax but for people
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.