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My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.