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I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.