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It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
Adding "just sayin" to a smart-a$$ed comment makes you even more of an a$$hole. Just sayin
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.