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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
Never trust a skinny chef
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I`d probably give up.