Daily Silly Status

I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.

There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.

Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%

I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.

I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.

Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.

When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"

There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from

This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.

I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.

If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.

Why is it called Boob Sweat and not Humiditties?

Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.

Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.