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Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.