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I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
drink beer ?? save water
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.