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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
liked homework better when it was called coloring.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume