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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks