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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
Telling someone they shouldn`t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn`t be happy because others have it better.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Some people just need to be clothes lined
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.