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I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.