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Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a "judgment free" zone...unless we`re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.