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While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.