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Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."