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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
BEER! The official sponsor of hot days!
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
The term "I paid GOOD money for that!" is soo silly..Honestly, have you ever seen BAD money? NOT ME !!!
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.