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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
Gym Update: Not there.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
Being an American is awesome. The end.
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.