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Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.