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New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what