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Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone´s day ... even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode