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I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.