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Vodka is just amazing water.
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
Three weeks without a signal typo!
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.