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The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
So long pants! See you Monday!
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
sleep is for people without netflix
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?