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I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"