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By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel