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First fart at my new job.
How come know-it-alls, don`t know how annoying they are?
Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
Must be my day for Mis-Advertizing --- I just ate a Bowl of Cheerios ----- and they DIDN`T make me Happy!!!! FML!!! :-P
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.