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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness