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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.