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Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
I need new swear words.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.