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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
Seems like 2013 was just yesterday.
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.