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I support recycling, I wore this shirt yesterday.
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
I’m tired of things costing money.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.