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If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
I am the bestest at the English language...
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!