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Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.