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Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
Adding "just sayin" to a smart-a$$ed comment makes you even more of an a$$hole. Just sayin
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
I just awesomed all over the place.
You are so selfish! You´re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?