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I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying