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Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
It takes balls to be a man.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)