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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.