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My support group can outdrink your support group.
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing