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If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.