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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Guys i did not copy or edit this status of mine.Please believe this is my own idea!
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.