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Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`