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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
Apparently, when asked by a Traffic Cop "Where you going in such a hurry?", "To your sister`s house!" is not considered respectful to a law enforcement official......
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.