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Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.