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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...