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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
I don`t run away from my problems. That`s immature. I ignore them.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.