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I drink to make other people interesting
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
If you`re "just sayin", then just shut the hell up.
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......