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Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
Do whatever you want, and if it`s something you`re going to regret in the morning, sleep late.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.