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Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
Velcro is a ripoff
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day