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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.