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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
I flunked anger management class.
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.