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Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.