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I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)