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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Happy people don`t take long showers.
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.