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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating