Daily Silly Status

It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.

I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...

I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree

I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?

My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!

Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks

Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo

I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.

I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.

Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??

I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.

To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.

You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.

I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.

True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.