Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Keep calm and drink on.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
You can`t be late until you show up
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.