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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`