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I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
I hate it when people dont know the differece between Ur and U`r