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Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
Hold boobs not grudges.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.