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I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
If it rains on a dream catcher, does that make it a wet dream catcher?
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
Yes... I repost. Isn`t that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that`s your fault...
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.