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The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?