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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
why earn money when it comes easier when you just ask
My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.