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Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.