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I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I`ll kill you all.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
Currently helping my sister look for her chocolate`s I ate 4hrs ago.
Hey Monday+?+(???) +?+
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.