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I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
Going to Colorado this weekend to go ... "Hiking"
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
They should make Vodka ChapStick
It needs more cowbell!!
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.