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Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again