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Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.