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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Pizza is my favorite winter activity
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Yikes. don`t google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.