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Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.