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Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.