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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
This post is just for you.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.