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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.