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Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?