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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
I`m not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.