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Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!