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The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that`s why we have a problem.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. Iām buying a sandwich.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.