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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.