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Survival rule #1: You go first.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...